“Where in the hell am I going with this?”
I’ve asked this question so many times throughout the semester, throughout my life, that it’s become almost as comforting as it is terrifying.
On the bad days, I’ll close my eyes, try to ignore the lump in my throat choking me as my heart pounds, pounds, pounds to the beat of a syncopated drum, and force myself to continue traveling blind on my journey.
And on the good days, I smile when I can, and make jokes that I shouldn’t, and for just a moment I can ignore that the bad days are but a hairsbreadth from crushing me under their weight again.
Blogging over the course of this journey has given me the unique experience of seeing my journey, my good days and my bad days, from the outside. It’s helped me see that not knowing where I’m going is not always a bad thing. I don’t always have to know where I’m going in a foreign city, or in my writing, or in my life. It’s okay to let things come as they will, and let my blog posts shape themselves however they please, however they decided is honest and right, and let the metaphorical chips fall where they may.
This class has led me on a journey that couldn’t have been any better for my knowing the destination. I debated the importance of and harms of globalization. I’ve debated the difference between tourism and travel. I’ve argued and learned and grew as a student and a person in ways I didn’t expect, could have never seen coming. I’ve gained friends, and wasn’t afraid to argue with friends. I stepped out on a limb to be the student, the active participant, I wanted to be.
It wasn’t always easy. Sometimes, the question of “Where in the hell am I going with this?” overwhelmed me. But lately, I’m having more good days than bad days, and the bad days don’t seem so unbearable.